So I know this isn't make up or beauty related but I felt like I needed to post this here as this is my blog and I do use it sometimes to get things out..
Today would have been my due date from my ectopic. I thought we would do something to mark the day, but we didn't. I feel fine with that as I wanted to deal with it in my own way. Col made a start on decorating our front room and I went to my parents for the day and did a bit of shopping and spent lots of time cuddling and kissing Alice. We have both been at my parents tonight as it is my little brothers birthday and we had a little party. We have just got home now, and this is the first time I have thought about it properly (apart from receiving a card from my friend Sophie this morning) and I went onto the EPT website and lit a candle for our baby which can be found here http://www.ectopic.org.uk/candletributes/candle.php?id=767&referrer=index.php and it all hit me. I can't describe how sad I feel, I know there are a lot of people out there who have lost babies and will understand how I'm feeling now. I just never expected anything like this to happen to me, I really didn't. I thought I might be alone in feeling like this, but Col told me after reading Sophie's card today it hit him (on thursday he told me he wanted to do things his way and just move on) but Sophie's card said "your baby will be looking down on you" and it hit him....it was a baby really I don't think he has thought of it that way before.
So I remembered reading a poem a while back about losing a baby so I searched for it. I couldn't find it but I found this..
Your Little Angel
Forever will I love you You will always be my mom As I sit with angels I look down at you and point proudly See . . .See her . . .over there, That's her!
Did you know I could hear your thoughts at night When you used to lie in bed staring, rubbing your hand on your belly Looking up at the ceiling in the dark wondering things . . . Who I would look more like . . . About how my laugh would sound . . .My First steps . . .Books that you would read to me . . ones with pictures . . . "I like Those!"
The park . . .how you would walk me in a stroller to play on the swings How about after I ate ice cream the dog excitedly licking my face almost knocking me down . . . You just smiled when you read that . . I could see you
Do you know I call you "mommy"? When you are in the kitchen I pretend I am there also and you can see me I sit at the table and draw with crayons I made a picture for the refrigerator Yellow, blue, red and green Look its of you and me with a sky and treesI gave you curly hair . . .
Easter . . .that's my favorite I always think of you holding my hand taking me to church One of my socks keeps falling down
Mommy . . .I like the way you kiss my sisters goodnighton the forehead and tuck them in I play with them in their dreams They don't know me but if you ask if they ever dreamed of playing with a little girl they would say yes . . . That's me . . . Do you remember that bird each early spring that used to always return and sing It would have been right around the time of my birthday That was me to . . .
I would sing "I love you"
I am always along side you . . . Sometimes you can feel me A brush against your dress, a breeze on your face . . .that's when I kiss you You have always kept me in your mind and heart Thank you . . . One day we will be together in heaven and you will cry and lift me in your arms and I will hugyou so very tight and never let go . . .
But for now I have to . . .
No matter where you go, what you do, I am with you Always know that I am "Your Little Angel" I love you mommy . . . Bye . . .________________________ "Your Little Angel" copyright (c) protected Russell Scott Steven Andersen 1997 all rights reserved.
Which I got from http://www.thelaboroflove.com/prose/poems/yourangel.html
It just hit home to me and really touched me. Its incredibly sad, but also soothing as I think of it as my baby's voice
I'm hoping, now we are past this date, that things will get easier for me to deal with it. I think since my surgery I have been waiting for this date to come and knowing how hard it would be. To be honest it has taken me nealy 24 hours to cry, I think I've done rather well.
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I just wrote this, and realised all through this pregnancy there was a magpie sitting on a neighbours fence every single day. The morning my my scan where the ectopic was found, it sat there the whole morning until I left. On friday there was a magpie flying around in front of my house all day, I have seen it a lot (obviously I don't know its the same one) since my surgery. I am thinking maybe this is my baby's way of showing me it is there watching us all. I know this may sound mad to some people but I think when you are dealing with this you think up all kinds of things.
ReplyDeleteI pray u get through it. God Bless you.
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